Asalam-u-Alaikum I am a Muslim girl, and Allhumdullilah guided by Allah Taala on the right path. I try my best to follow all the teachings of Islam. I wanted to enquire about marriage after describing my situation. Please guide me as maybe I am not thinking in the right manner. I got engaged at the age of 18 to a stranger. Currently, I am 19 years old, and next year in January. In Shaa Allah, we will be having our Nikkah. At the time of the proposal, both families met and concluded each other as good people to bond ties with. Therefore, we decided to do so. Before getting engaged, the boy’s family had done an Istikhara, which turned out to be a yes. My family was sure about our answer. Hence, I did not make an Istikhara. However, I did without informing my family. I continued to do an Istikhara for three days while the boy’s family asked for time and prayed for guidance. At first, I had convinced myself to accept the proposal and prayed that if an affirmation arrives in their Istikhara, I will consider it as a yes to my own.
In the third month of our engagement, my fiancée stalked my profiles and found out that I had a close male friend in the past. I have studied in a Co-educational system, but Allhumdullilah has maintained a safe distance with the opposite gender and never went beyond the boundaries set.
I had this friend and had feelings for him, but we never intended to enter a haram relationship and waited for the right time and maintained distance. My mother was aware of this.
Before the engagement, I had utterly lost all feelings for him automatically and sincerely repented to Allah Taala because our contact was haram as well. I had cried nights and nights for guidance and forgiveness and had completely forgotten everything.
My fiancée being aware of this, started to enquire about everything. I told him whatever he asked as I feared he might break off the engagement, but he did not believe me as he was considering all my explanations as a big lie. He was continuously questioning my character and was diving deep into my past friendships and reading my conversations with my cousins and everyone and pinpointing out things to matter. His curiosity went aboard, and after a few weeks, he contacted me and told me to keep a hand on the Quran so that he can convince himself that I am telling the truth about having no lousy relationship. This deeply saddened me. If he had known that it is not allowed to enquire about the past of partners as it is between them and Allah or should at least believe what they are saying, he would not have done this.
Moreover, after this, his questions continued for further months, and he had asked me whether or not I had any physical contact or traveled alone or indulged in any other activities. I continued to answer him in the right manner because he wanted me to cope up with his ‘possessive behavior’ keeping aside my own emotions. Even though I held my hand on the Quran, he still could not stop his mind from thinking negatively for weeks and doubted that I had falsely done it. I was shocked upon hearing this.
I never brought up this topic. I never told him that his allegations were hurting me. I have been careful about chastity, respected modesty a lot, but he was making me feel so bad, and I was unable to prove my purity.
Time passed, but he had made some restrictions for me, like not to talk to boys on chat alone. I should talk to them in class groups, should remove boys from my friend list and everything. I did so. I only spoke to my male class-fellows if they had anything to ask about or if I wanted some help from a specific person, as I am in a university. But he was against this as well.
I am tired of being treated like this. He doesn’t trust me. He’s far too much authoritative and possessive. I have to tell him about my whereabouts and to whom I am talking to every moment. He wants me to only listen to him and do as he’s telling me to do as he’s my husband, while he’s not yet, and this thing bothers me. I respect his privacy, but he does not. I am no one to judge his religion, but I cannot find the religious attraction in him and find my self committing major sins after this engagement.
Everything has calmed down a lot, but not completely. He has apologized and given gifts and have excellent and ethical aspects of his personality as well and talks appropriately. Our families are delighted. His family members treat me excellently. But I cannot see myself loving him. I am unable to figure out my feelings for him, and I cannot forget or put aside the negative aspects of his conduct. I cannot convince myself that we will live happily and fear that I may not be able to treat him good-heartedly and that will eventually add my Gunnahs as it is a right of a wife to treat her husband warmly.
My mother has asked me a couple of times whether or not I really want to have this marriage and I have told her that yes I want to, because she is delighted, my parents are really very happy, boy’s family is lovely, well established and the family members admire me deeply and are very religious. I am scared that my parents will get tensed and unhappy if I say no at this point.
At times I think that maybe I did not interpret the Istikhara in the right way. The first three months went okay, and I concluded that it was a yes, but after that, this has continued, and I am not sure how to handle this situation.
Please guide me on what to do next. I have prayed to Allah to guide me and show me the right path and make my heart affirm on the decision of Nikkah and develop feelings towards him if it is correct.
I want to consult to know whether to take this relationship ahead or not? I also wanted to ask that are spouses obligated to share everything and always know what their partner is up to?
Listen, sister, it’s normal human behavior to ask questions about another person so he can know more about them. The thing is that you need to confirm it first that does he had cleared all the doubts or not. If he still asks silly questions about you then you should again think about this marriage. But remember one thing if he also puts efforts to improve his doubt nature then you should give him a chance.
I don’t think this guy is not good for you. As his family is well settled and he also started to change his behavior so you should give him some time. Because you said, “He has apologized and given gifts and have excellent and ethical aspects of his personality as well and talks appropriately.”
If you still have doubts about the future of your marriage, then you should recite Dua for a happy marriage.
In this article, you have to read the third paragraph, and it will surely help you.
Jazāk Allāhu Khayran.